Dear JANE CROCKER:
I am delighted to inform you that the Committee in Search for a New Heiress has admitted you to the Betty Crocker Corporation's All-Girls School for Future Female Success. Please accept my personal congratulations for your outstanding achievements.
In recent years, over 6,120 students applied for our 314 positions in the freshman class. Faced with many more talented and highly qualified potential heiresses than we have room to admit, the Committee has taken great care to choose individuals who present extraordinary academic, extracurricular, and personal strengths...
The letter continues to describe the level of scrutiny you were put under to be accepted, how obviously their favorite choice you were, the despair and despondency of those who were denied, and the sick, pathological glee you should take in being a part of the upper crust of society. You really don't care to revel in that - not without someone to witness it, at least.