John: Check the memo.

CG: @everyone HEY. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING.
CG: THERE WAS A CRAZY GUST OF WIND FOR ABOUT 3 MINUTES AND 14 SECONDS. 
TG: dude did you time it 
CG: YES, OBVIOUSLY I FUCKING TIMED IT.
CG: IT'S IMPORTANT INFORMATION.
TG: sheltering in place with your little stopwatch and the ad you havent removed waiting for the terrors to end
CG: ARE YOU SHITTING ME? ARE YOU SAYING TO ME RIGHT NOW THAT YOU WOULD NOT BE TERRIFIED?
TG: i just wanted to bring up that your stopwatch has ads enabled
CG: THEY'RE STILL SHOWING ADS FOR THE BEN STILLER BIOPIC IT THINKS YOU MADE. 
CG: WITH THE UNCANNY AI RECREATIONS OF HIS FACE. 
CG: SOMETHING WHICH NEVER GOT MADE AND WAS NEVER GOING TO GET MADE BECAUSE IT WAS FOR A PEOPLE WHICH NO LONGER EXISTED EVEN WHEN THE AD GOT MADE.
CG: THE INTERNET HAS BEEN DEAD SO LONG THAT IT ONLY GETS FUNNIER.
CG: DO YOU KNOW HOW STRANGE IT IS TO GET FRIEND REQUESTS THESE DAYS?
CG: ALL THEY EVER ARE IS GROTESQUE RECREATIONS OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T EXIST.
TG: its just funny dude 
TG: you dont need to write the 95 theses of why its totally normal to have ads on a stopwatch on your phone 
TG: obviously i would not time it because i would be scared for my life if i were you 
CG: WOULD BE? ARE YOU NOT NOW??? 
TG: no i was not scared by it 
TG: im just saying i would be scared of it if i was you 
CG: THAT'S A LIE AND YOU KNOW IT.
TG: name one thing id be scared of 
CG: THIS IS A PUBLIC MEMO. EVERYONE CAN SEE ANYTHING I POST HERE.
TG: humiliate me 
CG: YOU DECIDED TO PUT ON GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN "IRONICALLY" AND THE FOOTAGE OF ANGUIRUS ATTACKING GODZILLA AT 2X SPEED MADE YOU SOB. 
CG: IT WAS JUST A PUPPET. IT WAS A PERSON IN A PUPPET SUIT. 
TG: in my defense i was really really really high 
CG: ON WHAT? IRONY? 
TG: no whatever the hell it is that sollux has you should know 
CG: NO, I DON'T. MY BODY IS A FUCKING TEMPLE. 
TG: it was fucked up it was like watching 
TG: hold on i need to pick a celebrity i think would be funniest to consider a hero on the level of godzilla
TG: oj simpson
TG: thats tasteless enough right 
CG: WHY WOULD I FUCKING KNOW. 
TG: it was like watching oj simpson get attacked by a dog 
CG: I'M SURE THAT WAS PROPERLY OUT OF POCKET ENOUGH TO GET A LAUGH. 
TG: made me laugh thats for damn sure
TG: if the dog has bit you must acquit
TG: i am rolling over here 
CG: WHY DO WE RUIN ALL OF OUR MEMOS LIKE THIS. WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM.
TG: oh thank god u got a memo up
TG: any of u seen callie 
AA: no i havent sorry
TG: FUCK 
GA: Hello 
GA: Um 
GA: There Have Been Developments
GA: There Are Winds At Such A Rate That They Cut Power And Caused Severe Damage In The Desert
GA: Though The Brooding Lab Was Comparatively Unharmed The Sand Dredged Up Has Severely Smoothened The Nearby Rock Formations
GA: And 
GA: The Earth Is Not Moving 
GA: I Assume The Two Are Related On Account Of Knowing The Way The Earth Spins
GA: Is Jade Okay
CG: SHIT, YEAH, THAT WOULD PROBABLY FUCKING DO IT, ALRIGHT. 
CG: IF ANYTHING IS GOING TO PROPERLY FUCK US OVER, IT'S PROBABLY JADE HARLEY DYING. 
CG: @gardenGnostic REPORT IN.
TG: ok who do we have that takes care of windy shit 
TG: thats right its john 
TG: but were not really talking
TT: This is news to me. What do you think the problem is? 
TG: dunno and i dont want to air that shit out here 
CG: HEY, A BIG STUPID SHITTY LIBERTY JUST FLEW THROUGH THE SKY.
TG: ahahahah hell yeah 
CG: NOT HELL YEAH. THAT'S GOING TO CRASH SOMEWHERE. 
TG: ok yeah its not hell yeah but theres only so many of those left
TG: gotta treasure each stupid idiot liberty that sails gayly through the air 
GG: im here.
GG: um. some shit happened!!!!
TG: JADE HEY 
TG: fuckin thank god ur ok 
TG: do u know where callie is 
GG: no... sorry rox. 
 
Jade then recounts what happened to her. She paints in broad strokes, sparing details such as Buzz Buzz, or the specific metaphors that the dead Calliope used. 
 
TT: The Singularity... What did she have you say?
GG: i dont want to repeat it. 
GG: what if it happens again before im ready :( 
TT: Understandable. 
GG: did john step in? 
TT: I assume. 
TT: He has not been responding to messages.
CG: @ectoBiologist REPORT IN SOON.  
TT: I understand you mean well, but I doubt you'll get a response. 
TT: It is something of a rarity to get a response at all, let alone in a memo.
TT: All of my visits have been in person, and very short.
GG: me too :( 
GG: i would drag him out of his room to help me pick up the earth.
GG: since he has his wallet modus, which is really useful for that hehe.
GG: but he would always seem antsy about going anywhere... 
GG: its gotten rough. the last couple of times he would make excuses to not see anyone. 
GG: and of course hed always wind up having a good time once he got going 
GG: but that initial stonewalling... 
GG: bluh.
TT: I'd rather not let this memo turn to venting about how difficult our friend is to reach. 
TT: If he does come and backread all of this, I'm sure it'd only deepen whatever feeling it is.
TG: right i guess 
TG: fuck 
GG: ... 
 
JOHN: i'm uh. i'm gonna stop reading there. 
JOHN: i guess this raises the question...
> ==>
[ victoria lacroix - A HANDBOOK FOR THE IMMINENTLY DECEASED ]