DAVE: hey dude
DAVE: and other dude
DAVE: have we uh
DAVE: met
SOLLUX: yes.
DAVE: oh shit really when
SOLLUX: think i saw y0u at the mete0r.
SOLLUX: i d0n't remember a damn thing.
DAVE: thank god me either
ARADIA: you remember me though right 0u0
DAVE: haha yeah
DAVE: of course
DAVE: totally of course how could i forget
DAVE: uhhhh
DAVE: did we go to
DAVE: middle school together
ARADIA: did you go to middle school with a lot of trolls
DAVE: youd be surprised
ARADIA: did you??
DAVE: no the surprise is that i said no after making you think
DAVE: thats subversion of expectations baby
DAVE: could write a book about that
ARADIA: thats kind of lame
ARADIA: i really hope this isnt your a-game 0_0
DAVE: no its not i just got back from killing a big skeleton dude
DAVE: but lets talk more about the deep lore
DAVE: oh hold on oh shit i think i remember you
DAVE: in that weird introductory period when we were all like 12
DAVE: and everyone got messages from trolls that kinda sucked
DAVE: you all were so fucking bad at trolling jesus christ
DAVE: shoulda known you were real aliens just bc you fucking sucked
DAVE: you were a huge fan of one of my websites
DAVE: a dyed in the wool sweet bro and hella jeff aficionado
ARADIA: nope
ARADIA: i dont care for the gamer bros
ARADIA: but i appreciate the pun
DAVE: bullshit everyone loves my boys
DAVE: hold on
DAVE: is that a pun
ARADIA: yes! ouo
DAVE: how
ARADIA: oh you know
DAVE:
DAVE: aight
DAVE: so are you a blog reader then
DAVE: did you enjoy the tony hawk reviews
ARADIA: closer but no cigar
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: you know me from ZOMBO COM
ARADIA: its possible
DAVE: anything is possible at zombo com
ARADIA: maybe i need to expand my mind
DAVE: so it totally was zombo com right
DAVE: my finest work
ARADIA: no thats not it either
DAVE: maybe you were a fan of one of my bros sites
DAVE: how do you feel about puppets
ARADIA: i dont know what puppets are
DAVE: bullshit thats a universal constant
DAVE: like maybe you dont know what the kind of mad puppet game earthlings have
DAVE: but you have to know who slap chop is
DAVE: like cmon
ARADIA: you got me i am not a fan of puppets
ARADIA: or puppeteers for that matter
ARADIA: and ive never read a single one of your websites!
ARADIA: and according to the timeline as it is
ARADIA: i never ever will
ARADIA: ive been fucking with you this whole time OuO
DAVE: ok damn im just being run circles around today
KARKAT: OKAY HOLD THE FUCKING CRAB.
KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK IS SLAP CHOP?
DAVE: slap chop is a puppet
DAVE: maybe the only good puppet
DAVE: a sterling example of a good motherfucker right there
DAVE: cause you can see who its attached to its liv tyler
DAVE: no secrets there no fuckin huge reveals
DAVE: just a song that never ends
DAVE: it just goes on and on-
KARKAT: ENOUGH.
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT EARTH CULTURE TO DISPUTE IT BUT.
KARKAT: ISN'T SLAP CHOP SOMETHING ELSE.
DAVE: ...
DAVE: christ dirk must be goin through it if im not getting GOT for that blunder
KARKAT: I WAS GOING TO SAY. IT'S THE SHITTY BLENDER SUBSTITUTE.
DAVE: yeah dude youre gonna love his nuts
DAVE: it really fucks your palms up too its a bad product
ARADIA: have you considered wearing gloves while slapping your chops
DAVE: listen theres only room for two fingerless gloves wearers and i am neither of them
ARADIA: i didnt specify fingerless
DAVE: okay yeah im telling on myself there
DAVE: but was there ever really another option
ARADIA: i think you should alchemize some fingerless gloves
DAVE: okay sure
DAVE: whats the captcha code for some fingerless gloves then
SOLLUX: 0h thats an easy 0ne.
SOLLUX: PSHOUNEN
SOLLUX: thats it thats the c0de.
DAVE: did you have that memorized
SOLLUX: n0.
DAVE: so how do you know its real then
SOLLUX: its n0t that hard t0 d0 the mental math.
SOLLUX: y0u start with the c0de f0r the tr0ll plat0nic ideal 0f a w0rkphlange and w0rk backwards thr0ugh mesh and musclebeast-leather and the stupid metal plate that every vend0r seems t0 carry t0 sew 0n t0 the back.
SOLLUX: its super fucking easy dude.
SOLLUX: like its really s0me baby shit.
DAVE: ...
DAVE: so youre saying this code that is "PSHOO" and "SHONEN" but spelled the dumb way
DAVE: mashed together
DAVE: and specifically without any digits in it
DAVE: for a type of glove without fingers
DAVE: is scientifically accurate
DAVE: and absolutely not a prank
DAVE: im not being owned right
KARKAT: I DON'T THINK YOU'RE BEING OWNED.
KARKAT: I THINK HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH.
KARKAT: HE WAS THE ONE WHO GAVE JOHN THE CODE FOR THE ROCKET THAT GOT DAVESPRITE'S TIMELINE FUCKED UP.
DAVE: oh okay
DAVE: so he has a history of fucking with us too
DAVE: i dont think my brand can take another l dude
SOLLUX: its abs0lutely a c0incidence there are n0 digits in it.
DAVE: dude im a very accomplished time player
DAVE: i know theres no such thing as coincidences
SOLLUX: 0h my bad. its actually very c0smically imp0rtant that theres n0 digits in this captcha c0de f0r fucking fingerless gl0ves.
SOLLUX: it's the fucking deep l0re 0f all 0ur existences.
DAVE: well theres about to be 5 digits in these bad boys once jade gets an alchemizer up
DAVE: gonna look like a soul eater character
SOLLUX: eugh.
DAVE: what its a sick look
SOLLUX: i guess y0u're right but c0me 0n
DAVE: what dude do you have an issue
SOLLUX: n0 its just that s0ul eater is baby shit??
DAVE: damn alright okay
DAVE: its fucking anime club up in here all of a sudden
DAVE: fine i guess im like
DAVE: cloud strife then
DAVE: theres probably a buster sword around here somewhere
DAVE: probably look pretty good in a dress
DAVE: got a big sword and fingerless gloves and im ready to go to a big convention
DAVE: karkat come to a convention with me
KARKAT: UGH. FUCK NO.
SOLLUX: aa hes encr0aching 0n my fucking brand.
ARADIA: theres plenty of room in our world for two snarky commerceblock psiionic warriors
DAVE: hold on let me reduce those words to human speech
DAVE: are you calling me a mall ninja
ARADIA: i was mostly referring to sollux but if you wish to be
DAVE: no no no
DAVE: you misunderstand
DAVE: i totally am i have no respect for swords
DAVE: this is known
DAVE: its just a wack overlap in culture
DAVE: like arent trolls raised from birth to be soldiers or some shit
DAVE: wouldnt having shitty rainbow pattern oxidized knives for sale be the opposite of good for that
DAVE: like those things are the knife equivalent of doing a shitty job at something to never have to do it again
ARADIA: well yes but its not uncommon for cultures to have unexamined contradictions
SOLLUX: they aren't shitty, either, jackass.
SOLLUX: they kick ass, and are super c00l.
DAVE: oh the xkcd reader is gonna tell me about knives
SOLLUX: what the fuck is an xkcd.
DAVE: its an old webcomic you probably read
SOLLUX: i kn0w what xkcd is.
SOLLUX: i have been able t0 use y0ur internet the wh0le time.
SOLLUX: but i just fucking said.
SOLLUX: i d0n't read baby shit.
SOLLUX: d0 y0u think i give a shit ab0ut a lame jackass's stupid human c0ding webc0mic?
SOLLUX: i d0n't. sud0 give a shit. wh00ps it failed.
KARKAT: HEY. HEY NOW.
KARKAT: FIRST OFF, I'M SURPRISED YOU'D MISUSE SUDO LIKE THAT IN YOUR OWN JOKE.
KARKAT: BUT LET'S ALL CHILL, ALRIGHT?
KARKAT: NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE A FEDERAL FUCKING ISSUE, ESPECIALLY NOT WEBCOMICS.
SOLLUX: i wasn't, dude y0u kn0w i'm chill ab0ut webc0mics.
DAVE: well ive decided not to be
DAVE: made that decision just now
DAVE: im the guy with strong opinions on webcomics
SOLLUX: if y0u want t0 thr0w d0wn we can just thr0w d0wn.
DAVE: sure but only if we can be friends afterwards
DAVE: like goku and vegeta
DAVE: twin ogres
SOLLUX: ... y0u kn0w what.
SOLLUX: sure dude.
SOLLUX: i'm kind 0f 0ver bifurcati0n as a m0tif but i'm kind 0f n0stalgic f0r it s0 i'll give y0u that.
DAVE: haha sick okay im gonna start fucking swinging
DAVE: that era of xkcd where he just made a shittier softer world
DAVE: that was a nadir for all of webcomic kind at that point
DAVE: like
DAVE: love isnt real moron
ARADIA: now hold on
DAVE: yes miss spooky death troll i am holding on
ARADIA: maybe love is real
DAVE: ...
DAVE: okay you got me there
The four of them were then insufferable about webcomics that nobody's cared about since 2010 for long enough that I can't even muster the energy to write it.
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