Rose and Eridan: Review Harry Potter movies.

CW: This is about Harry Potter. So naturally, content warnings for anti-Semitism and transmisogyny.
ROSE: I can't believe Roxy refused this, I thought she loved wizards.
ROSE: But I guess you're as good a movie partner as any.
ROSE: I've never actually seen any of these, but I know of them by reputation.
ROSE: We're off to a good start, because we're watching Sorceror's Stone first. Nobody's ever had a problem with Sorceror's Stone.
ERIDAN: ok i dont knoww a damn thing about these books
ERIDAN: troll harry potter
ERIDAN: or as wwe called it
ERIDAN: the plight of the wwizard kingdom and its endless squabbles against the dark lord in wwhich many characters die 15 spells are used toilet lore is espoused 12 times and the scheming mentor dies in the turn into the last book as a result of being upstaged by a 16 year old and then approximately 3 chapters are spent camping and the general amount of fun had drops cleanly to zero and many adaptational changes are made to sell the books including the erasure of lore such as the philosophers stone and the removval of the letter u from some wwords
ERIDAN: it wwas totally different
ROSE: I completely believe you.
ROSE: But I've always called it Sorceror's Stone.
ROSE: No offense intended to philosophers at least, I'm a philosopher on my father's side.
ROSE: But sorcerors are simply cooler.
ERIDAN: i GUESS youre right
ROSE: Shall we begin?
ROSE: Well, that certainly was a movie.
ROSE: As stated, who would ever have a problem with Sorceror's Stone? It's like having an issue with macaroni and cheese.
ROSE: I forgot they decided to make the floors of Gringott's a Star of David pattern.
ROSE: Thankfully, we won't ever have to unpack that, and what it means for the nature of the goblins that control the banks.
ERIDAN: its bullshit that draco was vvillainized like he wwas
ERIDAN: he did nofin wwrong
ROSE: Ignoring that outburst, should we move on to Chamber of Secrets?
ROSE: We've got a lot of actors ahead of us.
ROSE: Kenneth Brannagh is playing Gilderoy Lockheart, and Jason Isaacs is in this one too.
ROSE: Before this, he did a dual role as Mister Darling and Captain Hook in the 2003 adaptation of Peter Pan.
ROSE: It's certainly an interesting choice.
ROSE: Anyway.
ROSE: This one's Christopher Columbus again, so I'm fully expecting it to be as sentimental, anodyne and toothless as the first.
ROSE: Wow that was way worse than I was expecting.
ROSE: Harry didn't even do anything in this movie.
ROSE: It's almost impressive how little the so-called protagonist does. He's just in full "no thoughts, head empty" mode the whole story. And this, this introduces a quandary. One I suppose I had been expecting to deal with, but it being so up front and center is...
ROSE: I remember all of these beats - but it isn't *how* I remember them. Is it possible that I remember these being better than they were?
ROSE: Like, the fragments of a good story are here. I remember the dueling club, I remember Ginny opening the chamber, I remember the cat potion. (Very funny, given my path through life.)
ROSE: I even remember things like Ron's broken wand and the terrible CG slug vomit.
ROSE: But I remembered it more fondly.
ROSE: Things connected more cleanly. As much as I hate to say it, I liked this series a lot.
ROSE: I remember so clearly, getting worked up about it. Something about Ginny being led astray by the forces of darkness, it just kind of connected with me.
ROSE: But here I am again, and it's awful. It's pabulum, it's so shallow that it's functionally a nonpresence.
ROSE: Did I just invent a better story in my mind?
ROSE: ...
ROSE: Did I break Harry Potter, and reassemble it in my image?
ERIDAN: wwhat are you fucking talking about
ROSE: Nothing important, I'm just shocked, is all.
ERIDAN: i dont knoww a damn thing about these books
ROSE: I know.
ROSE: Perhaps you could keep up then, with the movies.
ERIDAN: but theyre so fuckin lame
ERIDAN: this is supposed to be wwizard shit
ERIDAN: but its all just human british people
ERIDAN: bein normal fuckin asswwipes
ERIDAN: the only dude wwho even comes close to bein a good wwizard is dumbledorf
ERIDAN: his beards majestic as all hell
ERIDAN: but evven hes kinda lame hes just a freak
ROSE: It's more about the fantasy of being a teen, in the Wizarding World™ than any actual magic, I suppose.
ROSE: Besides, the books grow up with the readers.
ROSE: Maybe I'm just getting defensive. These are still definitively children's books, at the moment.
ROSE: We'll see how we feel after the next one. All the critics generally agree that this one was the best, so...
ERIDAN: lets get goin then
this isnt a thing i normally do but. bear with me.
the big woman's gonna keep it real.
the original plan was to focus in on harry potter and just loosely motion towards jkr being being awful. id have rose sort of unpack her memories of being a harry potter fan, and realize that she remembers it as being a lot better than it actually was, to an almost shocking degree. i think this kind of narrative is really common among fandom because well, fandom sort of reinforces that. a lot of peoples reads on stuff that forms fandom consensus is only ever surface deep.
people really, really thought karezi had endgame written all over it.
that's a cool thing to pull apart, and harry potter is ripe for it because well, its bad, and jk rowling only gets worse with time.
........ but thats also the thing. its almost quaint. like. haha, isnt it funny how lame the wizards are. they just wear normal people clothes and say latin words sometimes. hasnt anyone in this world heard of latin? the politics are neoliberal and incomprehensible! harry is a jock that graduated directly into being a cop after being told to do so by the evil nazi guys! haha. isnt that so funny how bad the books are. its adorable.
would that have been satisfying to you? like, would you have been okay with that? having rose and eridan retread the classic criticisms of the books and maybe get a few jokes in at its expense and my expense?
i write these bonus comics in bursts, mostly because my attention is split a lot of ways for this comic and these take the backburner more often than not now that im updating regularly. and the day i went back to resume writing this comic, jkr posted, guess what, more heinous twerf shit. and because of the way online works, that has to be my whole day.
and it goes all the way back. her writing is bad, and it always has been. her politics are worse, and always have been. im only talking about the transmisogyny because its the thing i can talk about. people infinitely smarter than me have put together countless dissections of the ways jk rowlings writing keeps the tentpoles of bigotry stable. everyone and their mom has read the 4chan post about how harry potter doesn't fight fascists because fascism is bad, he fights them because fascists threaten the status quo.
and the same goes for her politics. they became visibly awful when she realized she couldnt be hit back for these opinions, but its evident that these developments arent *new*. go read goblet of fire again. rita skeeter having manish hands and being duplicitous and mannish sucked back then, but it sure hits different now. she keeps getting worse and she keeps getting away with getting worse. and i dont really know what to do about it. thats actually a little bit dishonest. i know what to do about it, im sure everyone does, but i'm a trans woman, and jk rowling is notoriously litigious with people like me. did you know she sued one of her interns into bankruptcy for buying starbucks with a company card sometimes? yeah, she actually really did that. ultimately, power like hers protects its own first. and that kind of power comes at the cost of people like me and, more than likely, people like you.
and i know im probably preaching to the choir here. you know every note of this song, and every step of this dance! you've done it so many times that you've made it your own. you probably knew every single point i was going to hit from the moment i started this self-insert. and youre tired of me and everyone you know circlejerking about an author i hate. and i'm tired too.
but when we leave this circlejerk, we have to return to hers.
sorry this wasnt a comic.
the next one will be better. i prommy.